Shaggy Creatures



This is a story of the afterlife. You’ve heard that those dismembered in this life will be remade whole in the next, and that is the truth. In the underworld lives a race of furry creatures whose job it is to reassemble the recent mangled dead. Some call these creatures Carpathians, but they are not Carpathians. Carpathians are one meter tall and well-groomed, while these furry creatures are taller and rather shaggy. Although they cry “yuk yuk yuk” all the time and seem ferocious, they are the gentlest of spirits. They lust for salt, and love playing in new-fallen snow, and spend their Saturdays watching aerobics tapes.

In this life, all who die do so terribly. When we find someone lying dismembered on our doorstep, tradition dictates that we bury them inside a tree. There’s a good reason for this: it is because the shaggy creatures make their homes inside of trees. They take the dead that we offer and give them new limbs by means of special wrenches.

The elder shaggy creatures are constantly chewing, mashing up and spitting out a substance from which the young ones shape new parts—a soft gel that smells like spoiled mashed turnips. When dry it makes the perfect substitute for flesh. With their hairy paws the shaggy creatures can shape the most difficult missing parts: eyebrows and pelvises and thumbs.

When not busy restoring the dismembered dead, the shaggy creatures dig mines, picking away at salt deposits. Reassembling a corpse throws a wrench into their mining, and that is why we salt the body before it is buried in a tree—that way, the shaggy creatures don’t fall too far behind. But it’s no big deal if you forget to salt the corpse: the shaggy creatures will still reassemble the person. They consider it their sacred duty. Let us hope that they never change their minds.

You may wonder why, although this is a story of the afterlife, I haven’t mentioned god. That’s because there isn’t one; there are only the kind, shaggy creatures, chewing and spitting, cavorting in the snow, chipping away at the earth with their special wrenches. After they rebuild your muscles, you’re free to pass eternity doing whatever you desire. But there’s little to do besides watch aerobics tapes.