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Ahimaaz Rajesh

Reasons Why Pill Would Rather be a Teaist


“There is Reasons Major Reasons Minor but Who’s to Say What’s Major What’s Minor.”

—Anon, Jr


All that you need to do is hold the cup up and I, or anyone for that matter, will pour. I will be absent most of the time, so would anyone be, but, darn it, you can pour it all by yourself anytime you want to. You need have no anxieties no more about the Cup inside you being half empty, unfilled, unfulfilled due thanks to the nonexistent nonentity you kept waiting upon, like, forever. The greatest truth never told is this: the Cup is (and has been) outside, now and forever.


You could be a non-practicing Teaist yet be practicing Teaism unconsciously day in day out. The other day at an Irani café I drank two cups, just thinking about the shapes of drone shadows, in a span of seconds and didn’t realize I was a companion until late, the point at which I was offered a third, when Sue said: the next one, Pill…ai, will be mine, tee-hee.


You get to debate the merits and demerits of palm-sugared tea instead of Nazi salutes and fisting.


In Teaism there are no causalities unless, say, you were practicing it blindfolded and, y’know, didn’t know a lizard took a dive in the jug.



Pope never paints his face black or brown, nor does he ever dress up like a real woman. Just dressing up doesn’t cut it, no! Now don’t get me started on the politics of Protestantism. Protestantism and Catholicism are, like, different-different, shame-shame, puppy-puppy, same-same.


I say why, I mean really, state the obvious. If you are Bright you know it and you damn well are. Just not that bright, that. To uncritically sing praises of science, now that’s worship of science not even by other means, but plain old flat out worship. If you couldn’t think past the rather unremarkable ramblings of Trinity Dan, Chris, et al., that’s so very Unbright it’s Simplistism. Don’t get me wrong, I’m bright too, but like I’ve said just not that Bright.


Hinddoism is not a religion. It was called that by Britain, once Great. (They came, they saw, they concurred as to its Oddism. They weren’t that bright, either, until recently.) We are the Nation-Multitude, like Sue a Hin…di would often say to me a Hin…da. I better not pique its curiosity, or else they’re sure going to embrace Teaism and declare it officially part of their rituals, that is, if it isn’t already.


Both Theism, Inc. and Atheism, Inc. are offshoots of Nation, Inc., just like Protestantism and Catholicism are offshoots of imperialism, and they don’t even know it. Actually they know it in a funny sad they’re-and-I’m-not kind of way and live lives of denial. Progress of the blind kind is their mantra. My privacies that I didn’t know I sold, I want them back. They can keep my laptop. I don’t even want to go to Mars. Wait! Let me think on it a bit more. See, how they’ve spoiled the inside brat out of me.


As for Scientology, I couldn’t fling millions just to learn the ropes and then despair: just to learn those silly tenets! Besides, I could purchase the best Dictaphone there is for a fraction of my wage and do it all myself. Hell, like, if it isn’t anything but making things up. Then sell that confession.wav file to a big fat publisher and become after many nights, to be modest, a billionaire overnight. On the off chance it gets published only posthumously, in which case is beside the bloody point.


Objectism (short for Objectivism) is for the well-off gadget geek scared shitless of blackouts and confiscations. The last time I recall I bought a gadget was five years ago. I may be lying here or just plain forgetful, but that’s a: may…be. Qabalah is for a disillusioned yet adventurously inquisitive Jew. Mormonism is for a United States of American who couldn’t help but be part of cults and create cults out of personalities. Marxism isn’t for the Meddle Class. I mean we make folks want to or not want to, say, watch a movie or listen to a record. So in Meddle Classism there exists, if not the control-control, at least the illusion of (remote) control. Paganism is for those rebellious Europeans digging up nuts, bolts and roots. Capitulism is a non-movement, much like Meddle Classism. Buddhism is for a heartbroken Atheist who wants to look at once ridiculous and hip. Sufism/Islam is for those disciplined and mathematical. I cuss a lot, throw Frisbees and couldn’t care less to count, and when it comes to whirling the dervish I sure would get bounced time and again against roofs, walls and whatnot.


AG church is for Sue and her ilk. A minister once got Sue off cosmetics addiction, so each time I hear it’s a cult, I give a flying F. The same minister couldn’t get his wife off the said addiction, now that isn’t saying much, or is it. Some ministers (of this and other denominations and nondenominational denominations) lay bans on even fundamental expressions such as fisting and touching oneself. Such restrictions pave way, on one hand, you wouldn’t believe like I couldn’t, to men folks pee-peeing fingers free (and on the other, to situations much worse). There are tens of solidly valid benefits to being born woman, Sue’d say (so very inappropriately). So darned right.



All thoughtful digressions are seemingly thoughtless diatribes. So anyway, being a Teaist, you get inspired to learn about all that goes on in the tea estates, factories and particularly the processes of refining tea leaves. In so doing, I might stumble upon the corruption of corporations, their maltreatment of laborers and be able to do nothing about it except, of course, renounce Teaism as a pure way of life. Then the only way left would be to be a browbeaten yet proud yet lesser cussing, purified borewell water drinking Ateaist who’d say things like: it’s the Cup, dude, not what fills it, that matters. But then maybe not get inspired and all. Yes. Wait! Oooh, no!



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