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David Laskowski

ALPHA MALES


 
Power, according to Shepherd, is simple.  It is the ability to carry out a specific threat.  In addition, the amount of power one has depends on the magnitude of the threat one is capable of making.  Those capable of making the most serious threats are those in control of the greatest force or those in pants.  Power becomes dangerous only when those in pants use it to exercise control over others (exercise being an unfamiliar concept to those in pants and thus leading to injury or hurt feelings).  However, because exercise will more than likely continue to remain unfamiliar to those in pants, power will never be dependent on anything else but the mood of the power-holder.  Power, for Shepherd, thus remains “an amazingly simple entity wielded by tyrants, bullies, and those with some kind of chronic pain.” 
    However, what is not simple for Shepherd is how the brain processes power or how it is capable of the denial necessary to order its use.  Shepherd proposes a thoroughly unoriginal idea based on an incredibly old theory regarding the nature of form.  In other words, Shepherd should be ashamed of himself.   The primordial brain cave, according to Shepherd, is responsible for the regulation of power-release or threat-feeding.  Consisting of a cave, a large fire, and some “really rusty chains,” the primordial brain cave, located in the duh complex of the temporally slow lobe attempts to distinguish what is “real” from what is “not” by guessing what constitutes the shadows it is able to perceive from its extremely low vantage point.  Shepherd believes perception is central to power-release since the decision to use force corresponds to how serious the threat made is.  Unfortunately, Shepherd’s brain cave proves useless since researchers find the brain cave operates on the accepted and uncontested notion that appearances are the same inside as they are outside.  The brain cave, they find, is restricted due the resistance-Plato-gamma found in the sub-entry level introduction, or a primer to major concepts in the western bowel located somewhere between the neck and the ankles.  Nevertheless, Shepherd persists with his brain cave idea, in addition to the form-sally and the idea-whip, both of which he uses mercilessly on his theory children. 
    Even though Shepherd relies too much on the brain cave, it does not necessarily negatively affect his theory regarding power, especially since he has several theories about power that have nothing to do with each other.  For example, “power,” he writes in his treatise on baking — Flour Power — “is found at the base of the spine in the power nerva – a collection of tenderized meat patties floating in the rectiliary sepum of the ganglia turd.”  Just because no one has been as of yet able to find the p.n. does not mean it has not sent ripples throughout the marine community since, marine biologists say, Shepherd is borrowing a metaphor that belongs to them.  In other words, Shepherd’s discovery of the power nerva is the first step on a set of epistemological stairs. 
    Why, despite its illusory nature, the p.n. still “kicks ass” is that the power nerva is the center, or source, of the top dog, or the desire to be on top.  This desire is, according to Shepherd, most often manifested by the phrases: “he wanted it more” or “man, he so wanted it more.”  The t.d. desire comes from the desire to act freely, or without constraints.  The t.d., Shepherd claims, desires to relieve itself wherever it pleases.  It desires to eat whenever it wants.  It desires to be a monarch in a parliamentary age.  In other words, the t.d. wants to be a T.D.    
    What is interesting, Shepherd writes, is how the t.d. is able to operate within the field of t.d. desire-density.  In other words, how does the t.d. find “room to operate” when everyone wants to be the T.D.?  Shepherd believes without a doubt the t.d. can influence the outcome of who becomes T.D. through a series of chance encounters, windows of opportunities, and something he calls votes.  “Votes,” Shepherd writes, “are a physical manifestation of a ‘voter’s’ desire to be included in the process of choosing the T.D.  Whether or not the votes are counted, no one knows.  The uncertainty regarding whether or not the “votes are counted” is due the Chad-Effect, a well-known, but greatly misunderstood form of electoral myopathy, or “cheating,” although most doctors believe the C-E results from the apathy-grill that, located just above the bills-to-pay, makes the skin-punch weak if, like the iron, left on for too long.
    Specific to the temperature of the t.d. is its position between reason and imagination, or what-has-to-be-done and what-would-be-nice-if-it-was-done located at the ass-end of the t.d.  Although recent scholars claim reason has overtaken the imagination, other more ancient scholars who have long since passed on to the almighty pie have no idea what the more recent scholars are talking about.  This has led these scholars to believe they are capable of being T.D., which, in turn, has led to the creation of several different tracks within all major rectal-departments. 
    Tracks notwithstanding, the struggle between reason and imagination does greatly affect the t.d., specifically its moral compass.  Although some believe the demagnetization of the m.c. is the result of an alien probe, it is more likely a corrupt Chicago politician who is responsible since it is the c.C.p. that can act without restraint regarding the allocation of hush funds within the cerebral limits.  Yet, the c.C.p. is not entirely to blame.  What gives the c.C.p. its power is the population digits found in the outer areas of the ignorance-cortex, a completely fictional amalgamation of specific “voting” blocks too numerous to define.             



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